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Scientologists to give happy endings in Haiti

Okay, okay, okay, that was incredibly insensitive to the situation but The Onion just ran this fictional story — and mine is true!!

This has got to be the single most absolute weirdest story that has come out of the horrific tragedy in Haiti.

The story: John Travolta got a bunch of Scientologists together and flew a 707 (no wonder he was so good in Look Who’s Talking) to Haiti to help in the relief effort.  Okay, Danny Zuko, that was nice of you.  Uhhh, so then one Scientologist who gave her name as Sylvie claimed that the controversial church’s techniques were working wonders in the Haitian rescue effort:

“When you get a sudden shock to a part of your body the energy gets stuck, so we re-establish communication within the body by touching people through their clothes, and asking people to feel the touch…One hour ago he [an injured Haitian] had no sensation in his left leg, so I explained the method to him, I touched him and after a while he said ‘now I feel everything’,” said Sylvie. “Otherwise they might have had to amputate his other leg.”

Ummm, it sounds like Travolta is running a creepy massage parlor!

The news agency said that an American doctor at the hospital who asked not to be identified commented sarcastically, “I didn’t know touching could heal gangrene.”

I confess, I was the sacastic doctor! I close my eyes and there’s John Travolta and Beck with body oil  singing the Bruce Springsteen song “Human Touch”. Creepy Scientologists!


2 Responses

  1. sounds like Zuko should get into the televangelist business, what with all the majestic healing powers he possesses.
    praise Xenu.

    • There’s a place in midtown, called Zuko’s 🙂

      Yes, it is actually a smiley face. I wonder if they do good touch there.

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