toilets!

Do you know what I miss from Japan? Asides from the immense amount of people that openly admired my curls (“Where did you perm your hair?
Can I touch it?”)? Toilets. Yes, seriously.

There are three kinds:
1. The traditional squat toilet.
While this grosses most people out, let me tell you- your intestines will thank you. Squatting is actually the best position to do #2 in, as it eases your butt muscles and you really don’t even have to push (see diagram: http://www.naturesplatform.co.uk/UserFiles/Image/sitting_vs_squatting.gi).
It makes a great story too– you wouldn’t believe how many
people are interested in the fact that I used squat toilets so
often…and effortlessly!  Sometimes, you might even get instructions
(http://triangulations.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/japanese-toilet-directions.jpg)!
Some squat toilets are fancy, too:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:JapaneseSquatToilet.jpg. You take
off your shoes before entering, put on the special “bathroom slippers”
(see bottom left) so that you don’t soil your own shoes, and then do
your business. When you’re done, you may be lucky enough to wash your
hands with the water that streams into the toilet tank…..

2. Water-saving toilets!
http://wanderingvegans.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/toilet.jpg
Don’t freak out. Really. The water isn’t dirty, just cold. You know how every time you flush, your toilet tank fills up with cold water, and then it just flushes out the next time you use the toilet? Well the Japanese decided to stop wasting a tankful of water: after you flush, water from your pipes–the same water that goes to your regular sink–flows from a spigot where you can wash your hands with the *clean* water that would otherwise just go into your toilet tank. That water gets drained into your toilet tank. This way, when you flush your toilet, you’re not wasting water; the water you washed your hands with last is being flushed down with your deed.

3. Bidet/warmed/paperless/otherwise robotic toilets.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:JapaneseToiletBidet.jpg
There is honestly nothing better than going to a public bathroom and being surprised by plomping your butt down on a nicely warmed seat. Warmed not because of someone else’s ass, but because the toilet seat is electronic! And when you’re done, you can press a button and voila! Instant bidet!  Your butt will never spend the whole day dirty again. Are you paranoid about making noises when you use the bathroom? No more worries there- with a press of the button (notice the handle to the right of the toilet has several buttons) you can turn on a water-flowing noise so that whatever noises are coming from your nether parts will be covered up!  (Close-up of buttons here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Modern_japanese_toilet.jpg. You might wonder, “What’s the difference between ‘shower’ and ‘bidet’? The spray is different- one is not as strong and aims more or less for the
lady parts, the other ends up wetting your whole shebang down there.) Sometimes, the toilets even have a little dryer that spits warm air out to your parts to dry them after ‘showering’ so that you theoretically don’t even have to use toilet paper!

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5 Responses

  1. awesome. I’d squat more often if I wasn’t so embarrassed.

  2. This should be syndicated by the national toilet journal monthly.

  3. wait, when did you have curly hair?

  4. Without getting too graphic–do Japanese have those easily manaveirable shower heads? I use that like a bidet!

  5. ok, i just realized this was a guest blog. my bad. i was blown away by the thought of tom with long curly locks…also, whoever wrote this is kind of the shit. (pun intended?)

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